Sleep, you elude me

Arggh! I am sleep deprived. By my own mind and body. I haven't slept really well for years, but since Monday (Michele's death), I have had a horrible time getting to sleep, and staying asleep.

I had just recovered from Nina's death, and gotten my sleep back, and now this. This is worse, in a way, because it's a bit sudden, and even closer to home. Yes, a part of me knew it was coming, and this soon, but my concious mind denied it.

I guess that in some ways I don't deal with friends dying very well. Intellectually I know that death is part and parcel of life, and I do not fear my own death (although the lingering kind unnerves me - I don't like pain.) The fact that both Michele and Nina were in pain quite a bit in the last year or two before they died really bring up that helpless feeling in me - I want to be able to fix things like that, and I can't.

I guess that's the worst of it - not being able to stop it, even though it shouldn't have been "inevitable" at so young an age. By me, you should live until at least 70 or 80, barring mishap or medical neglect.

If I was in that kind of chronic, unrelenting pain, - when even going to the bathroom elicits involuntary moans and whimpers - I'd put my affairs in order, and check out my options for ending it. I'm a wuss, and I know it.

All in all, I need a nap. Ideally, a nap in a cool, dark, and quiet room, cuddled into lots of nice soft pillows, blankets, comforters and stuffed bears. The only sound I should hear is the gentle sound of a light rain on the ground outside.

But I won't get it.

Memememe...

Swiped from bellcrow

( 100 books )